Anticipatory grief

Feelings before someone dies

Anticipatory grief involves many losses. You might have to come to terms with changes in your friend or relative as their condition progresses. Some days may be really hard. Other days you may not experience grief at all. Everyone grieves differently but the following feelings are all common.

• Anxiety

When you are caring for someone who is dying, you may feel very anxious. Sadness and painful feelings can come on very suddenly. It can often feel as if it’s hitting you for the first time over and over again. It’s very normal to be frightened about how you will cope and about what will happen next. You might be worried about them suffering, how they might change, and what it will be like at the end. Coping techniques can help you manage your anxiety. 

• Anger

You may find you feel very angry with the situation, or even with your friend or relative for leaving you. You may also have to cope with the person’s own anger and grief.

• Loneliness

The illness may have changed the person you are caring for, or you may feel others don’t understand what you are going through. Caring can limit your chances to get out and meet other friends and loved ones.

• Guilt

You may worry you can’t do enough to help. You may be longing for your loved one to be free of pain, even as you fear their actual death. You may also experience survivor’s guilt because you will continue with your life while they won’t.

• Exhaustion

You may be exhausted – with caring duties, and with the constant worry.

• Anticipation

Sometimes people find they spend time picturing what it will be like after their friend or relative dies, and thinking about how it will happen. Many people feel guilty about these thoughts, but they are very normal. They’re part of preparing yourself for their death.

• Physical Effects

Physical problems such as sleep difficulties and digestive upsets are very common before and after someone dies. Many people also find it very difficult to concentrate.