Richard’s story
In November 2023, Richard's Mum died. After struggling to come to terms with the loss, Richard reached out to Cruse for support. We're incredibly grateful to Richard for sharing his story with us.
My Mum passed away in November 2023. She lived in New Zealand, so I wasn’t with her when she died but I had spent a month with her a few months before in August 2023. I would drive out to visit her in her residential care-home every day, I wanted to be with her as much as I could. We’d have a coffee and a scone together and just chat. When I left at the end of the month she seemed Ok, but then then she deteriorated through September and into October and then passed away at the beginning of November. I am so thankful that I had that time with her; it was just her and me. I could never get that back.
All these questions come up
After she died, I travelled back to New Zealand for the funeral. The previous trip had been so pleasurable- I’d jumped on the plane, excited that I would see my Mum when I landed. This trip in November was very different. I was on the plane for hours, stuck with my thoughts and all these questions came up. What’s going to happen at the funeral? Who’s going to be there? Should I have gone back earlier? Should I have phoned and contacted her more? I was able to address a lot of these questions in my sessions with Cruse in 2024.
I hadn’t taken onboard the enormity of losing her
After the funeral, I had this thought that I had to return back to the UK quickly- I needed to get back to work and get on with what I’m doing. So I jumped back in. I returned to work by the end of November. I was met with lots of well-meaning comments and questions from colleagues: “how are you?”, “how are you getting on?”, “very sorry to hear”. I was polite and courteous because these people were being nice but I kind of shut myself off at that stage. I just thought: “I need to concentrate on my work, I have to deliver, because that’s what my Mum would have expected of me to do”. Looking back now, I can see that I was in denial and hadn’t taken on board the enormity of losing her.
Over the Christmas period and through January things slowly started to build but it was at the end of February 2024 that it really hit me, on my birthday. It hit me like a rock because I couldn’t call and speak to her. Every year, we would speak on my birthday. She would say “how old are you now?” and I’d say “you should know that” in a loving, funny kind of way. But I couldn’t do that this birthday. That was where the grief started. All these thoughts suddenly caught up with me. I can’t speak to my mum anymore. I can’t tell her what I’m feeling. I can’t tell her things that are going on at work or happening with my daughter.
I didn’t know who to speak to
A few weeks after this I went to North Wales to stay with a friend, and I found the strength to open up to him. I said “I’m struggling with the loss of my mum”. I am finding it difficult to concentrate. But I don’t know who to speak to”. I didn’t want to speak to my family and so I started to distance myself. That was when he said “have you heard about this amazing national charity called Cruse?”, and that was how I first got to know Cruse.
When I came back home to Sussex at the end April, I decided to reach out and I called the Cruse Helpline. I spoke to this lovely lady on the Cruse Helpline. She took all my details and explained that in the Sussex area there was a waiting list for one to one sessions because of demand. Working for the NHS, I understood about waiting lists, but said that I really wanted to go through with this and was happy to wait.
After taking my details to send through to my local branch, she recommended a book for me ‘Grief Works’ by Julia Samuel, so I ordered it as soon as I got off the phone. When I started reading it, it really struck an accord with me. The way she described loss and grief, and the case studies she used throughout the book. It was either: partners, parents, grandparents and even young children. I just started thinking “I’m not the only one, Richard.” Thousands of people, every day, every year are going to lose someone close. Even before I started my sessions, reading this book allowed me to start digesting thoughts and it made me feel less alone.
Through my sessions with Cruse, I was able to talk through all the feelings I had in more detail. The volunteer I saw was brilliant, she was such a good listener. It was great to express myself to a person who was qualified to help me. After each session I understood more about the effects of my grief. I realised that grief is far, far deeper than crying or getting upset.
I can use my experiences to help other people
After I completed my sessions with Cruse, I felt lighter and a lot stronger in myself. I understood that it was up to me now to go forward and to live a good life. Live the life that my Mum would expect me to be living and show the same values too. Do the same things and use her as an inspiration. I made a financial donation to Cruse in my Mum’s memory; she was a wonderful person and a true inspiration to all in my family, and I wanted to show that in written form somewhere. It meant a lot to me.
Through my experience with Cruse I have applied the learnings about ones grief, and I’m now training to become, a bereavement volunteer for Cruse. I feel like I am in a position now where I can give something back to such a worthwhile charity, and I can use my experiences to help other people.
