Our bereavement volunteers’ lockdown diaries

One challenge that faced during the pandemic was the absence of normal grieving and remembrance practices. The restrictions meant bereaved people couldn’t always come together at a funeral. However, there have been displays of community support that have proved valuable.

“Whilst social distancing has prevented ‘wakes’ some clients have left the home onto the chapel and found their neighbouring street to be lined with people. Often the clients speak of this being overwhelming and they will remember these scenes forever. They have found a sense of community that they didn’t know exists and have been surprised by the acknowledgement and support of those neighbours; their level of help and support and the level of compassion.” (Bereavement Volunteer – 25th June)

The Bereavement Supporters in ExtraCare also went to great lengths to replace different kinds of remembrance experiences. This included such residents gathering on their apartment balconies to sing songs, hear prayers and listen to eulogies:

“We said farewell to one of our residents yesterday… many of us from our balconies as the hearse moved off to the very small, family funeral.” (Bereavement Supporter – 7th May)

Bereavement Supporter volunteers noted that, when there wasn’t an opportunity to  collectively grieve and acknowledge a death, the grieving process was arrested:

“Some of us haven’t started grieving because we haven’t come together yet…that conversation is still on hold.” (Bereavement Supporter)

“Some have benefitted from the time and lack of pressure during the lockdown… Some of my clients have been relieved of pressures from family traditions which they sometimes find overwhelming…Another client has been, very much, missing the reassurance of friends and family …” (Bereavement Volunteer – early August)

Another surprising finding from the diaries was that some people were finding bereavement easier to manage during the pandemic. This is because they felt liberated from the social pressure to appear ‘normal’ and okay. It allowed them to privately grieve, withdraw and feel sad.

During Lockdown, some bereaved people reported that their grief was easier to bear. This was because nobody was enjoying life, at least not visibly or openly. This made anniversaries and special occasions easier to cope with.

“Father’s Day this week and a client grieving for her father is finding it very tough and painful. She is thankful however that pubs and restaurants are still closed because she feels angry and resentful when she sees other fathers out there enjoying family time when she has not got her father there to celebrate with. Therefore, on Sunday when we are still not allowed out she is protected from that source of pain” (BV2 – 22nd June)

However, we know grief is a unique and personal experience. For some, their grief  has been very challenging. This is due to the isolation, lack of activities and support networks.

“My client…is finding the lack of community activity very challenging. It is also difficult for signposting because so many groups are not meeting and she does not have access to a computer.  She lives alone in a house and has unhelpful neighbours. Covid-19 has really reduced any of those restoration after loss activities for her.” (Bereavement Volunteer – 13th July)

People who received support from Cruse during Lockdown valued emotional support more than ever. This was due to other support networks not being available, and activities for coping with a bereavement were suspended.

“My clients have all been very grateful that I (we) have taken that time to just listen and be there for them in such uncertain and restricting circumstances.” (Bereavement Volunteer)

Like many other charities and support organisations, Cruse continued to deliver services throughout the pandemic. We switched their face-to-face services to telephone support. Some clients who accessed telephone support actually found this suited their needs better.

“I was happy with my telephone support especially when I got upset during many of the sessions as I didn’t feel probably as embarrassed as I would’ve been if it had been face to face, plus I was sat in my own home which made me feel more at ease.” (Client survey response, October)