Who might find Father’s Day difficult?

Father’s Day can impact many different people, including:

• Those who’s father, step-father, grandfather or father figure has died
• Fathers whose children have died
• People who are struggling to conceive or have experienced pregnancy or baby loss
• People who had a complicated or difficult relationship with their father or father figure
• Those carrying mixed emotions – perhaps celebrating being a father while missing their own
• Caring for a father with a terminal illness

You might feel sadness, anger, guilt, jealousy, numbness, or a mix of these. Some people also experience moments of happiness. There is no “correct” way to feel. Your experience of the day, and the days and weeks leading up to it, are valid.

Tips for coping with grief on Father’s Day

• Put yourself first

Don’t feel pressured to do anything you don’t want to do. Instead, spend the day doing things you enjoy. This could mean going for a long walk, spending the day watching your favourite films or going away for the day.

• Give yourself permission

Don’t feel pressured to do anything you don’t want to do. Instead, spend the day doing things you enjoy. This could mean going for a long walk, spending the day watching your favourite films or going away for the day.

• Find ways to express your feelings and grief

Grief can be hard to make sense of, so it can help to express it in ways that feel natural to you. You might create art, listen to or make music or move your body. Writing can also be a helpful outlet- whether that’s keeping a journal or writing a letter or card to the person who has died as a way of organising your feelings and saying the things you wish you could say. There’s no right or wrong way to express grief- what matters is finding something that feels supportive and meaningful for you.

• Remember them

If you want to mark the day and remember your loved one, there are a few things you can do

• Light a candle and place a photo next to it
• Share memories with friends and family
• Cook their favourite meal
• Visit a place that was special to them
• Watch a film or listen to music that they loved
• Make a donation in their memory

More ways to remember someone

• Talk to someone 

When you’re grieving, connecting with people who trust and who are there for you can make a difference. This could be talking to your family, checking in with a friend, or joining a supportive online community (such as Cruse’s social media).

Grief when your relationship with your Dad was complicated

Father’s Day can be particularly confusing if your relationship with your father was difficult. Society often assumes that all parent – child relationships are loving and close. When that hasn’t been your experience, grief can feel especially complicated.

If your relationship with your father was not society’s ideal of a close and loving one it can be a different type of heartbreak.

• You might feel guilty about not feeling as you think you should.  It might be that you expected to feel sadder than you do, about your father’s death.  Perhaps there have been difficulties in the relationship, or mistreatment, and you feel a whole range of emotions or nothing at all..
• Others around  you might not understand. They might judge if you don’t act the way they expect.
• We’re still not great as a society talking about death. It’s a whole other taboo if you don’t like or love a parent who has died. This can feel very lonely.

Remember you have the right to grieve in the way that is right for you. You can grieve the relationship you have lost in all its complexity and imperfections. And you can grieve the relationship you wished you had, and the loss of opportunity for any future resolution.

Dads who’ve lost a child

We know Father’s Day is also an incredibly painful time for Dads who’ve lost a child. A child dying is one of the most intensely painful experiences you can go through. People tell us they feel like they’ve lost a part of themselves.  For others, it can be a crisis of identity.  Many grieving fathers find it hard to work out how to talk about their child who has died.  It can also be hard to find the words to express that you are a dad, even though your child is no longer with you..

There are no easy answers as to how to carry on after your child dies. The loss will always be with you. But there are some things that people find can help them to cope. Make sure you’ve got people you can talk to, whether that’s friends, relatives, or professionals.

Read more about losing a child.