Grief after suicide

What you might feel when someone dies by suicide…

Anger

It is normal to feel angry with the person who died for leaving you or for not accepting help with their mental health. This kind of anger can be confusing, especially when mixed with deep sadness and love for the person. You might also find yourself feeling angry with other people – family members, friends, or professionals – who you think could have done more. And perhaps most painfully, you may feel anger at yourself, wondering whether you missed signs or could have done something differently. It’s important to know anger is a normal part of grief, especially when the death comes with unanswered questions. The emotions you feel are common and valid.

Guilt

Overwhelming guilt is common after a suicide. You might feel very guilty for things you did or did not do when they were alive. The emotions behind suicide are complex and it’s important to know this was not your fault. Be gentle with yourself, and try to remember that you did the best you could with the knowledge and resources you had at the time.

Unanswered questions

You might find yourself repeatedly asking questions about why the person chose to do what they did, or whether it could have been prevented in some way. Conversations can play over and over in your head and can be very frustrating. It’s often helpful to put these questions in words in a journal or a letter. Putting feelings into words can bring a sense of order to what feels like chaos and help organise your thoughts to begin to process your loss. It’s also important to know that it’s okay not to have all the answers.

Rejection

You may feel that the person who died rejected you or your help, or that your love and care was ignored by them. You might question why they left you. Feeling that you were not enough can be very painful. Remember, the decision to end their life was likely made during a time of immense emotional distress. Their actions were not a reflection of your value or your love. It is okay to feel hurt, and it’s also okay to talk to someone about these feelings.

Stigma

Suicide is sometimes stigmatised, meaning some people may be judgemental towards the person who died. This is often caused by fear and misunderstanding but can be very painful for family and friends left behind. Some people may avoid talking about the death altogether, which can make you feel isolated or ashamed. It can be especially difficult when others around you do not acknowledge your grief or offer support. Try to seek out people who understand what you’re going through, whether that’s friends, family members, or support groups. Connecting with others who have experienced a similar loss can be a powerful source of comfort and validation.