Dylan Llewellyn’s Story

Dylan Llewellyn is an actor, best known for his roles in Derry Girls, Big Boys and Beyond Paradise. This year he has appeared in BBC’s Celebrity Race Across the World where, for the first time, he spoke publicly about the death of his brother by suicide. We’re incredibly grateful that Dylan has chosen to share his story with Cruse, as he talks about his experience of loss, grief and building a life around it.

I lost my eldest brother, James, to suicide when I was 16.

It’s been a few years now but I remember the grief like it was yesterday. It was such a melting pot of emotions, and I didn’t know how to process it. At the time, I felt that my grief would be a life sentence and my mind was scrambled with so many questions. Questions which I eventually realised I would never find answers to.

For years I lived with pent up grief

When James died, there weren’t properly funded postvention services to help people like me or my family through the single most difficult time in our lives. We relied on each other, and that was like expecting others that were drowning to save you. The shock of what happened mobilised friends and relatives and the kindness and support was heartfelt but as time went on they got on with their lives.

For a long time, I bottled up how I was feeling. I didn’t know how or where to share my grief, so it burned inside of me. It would sometimes come out- if I was sad about something else, nothing to do with James or my grief, then I would feel those emotions more strongly. But for years I didn’t let out my feelings and lived with pent up grief, which was a lonely place to be.

Reach out if you need support

Losing my brother put me in a state of shock for some time and it wasn’t really until some time afterwards that I realised I needed the kind of support that Cruse now offers. Sustained support from someone that was not part of my family, work or friend network would have been so good. It would have been so valuable for someone to have understood the grief journey I was on and to reassure me with all those twists and turns. That is why charities like Cruse are so important.

It is also vitally important to reach out if you need support. So many of us can find ourselves in dark places or struggling with our mental health, but we don’t need to deal with this in silence. A conversation can save a life. For anyone who is struggling right now, please know that you are not alone and support is available. Whether it’s your family, friends, colleagues or reaching out to organisations who are there to listen.

My brother’s support and encouragement stay with me

The special memories of my life spent with James are so precious to me now. Growing up, I always knew that James had my back. He was always so supportive and encouraging. When I landed my first ever acting job, he said to me “I knew you could do it”. Those words stay with me, and so do his support and encouragement.

It took me a while to be able to summon those memories without feeling immense pain and loss. There are still days when it hurts, but I am now able to turn my grief into something more positive. I am so proud of my big brother and I treasure the impact he had on my life and my love for him will endure forever. I feel like he’s my guardian angel.

I urge people who have lost someone close to them get support- open up and let your grief out. Support is available.