Grief in Context

As our understanding of emotional experiences expands, so too does our language. People now use the term grief to describe a wide range of losses: from estrangement and divorce, to the end of a career or a birth that didn’t go to plan.

This broadening of the term can be validating for some and complicated for others.

What is grief?  

At its core, grief is the emotional response to the loss of something deemed meaningful. It may include sadness, anger, confusion, guilt, numbness, anxiety, or even relief. Grief can be immediate or delayed, brief or long-lasting. It may come in waves or feel like it is always there.  

While most people associate grief with death, these feelings can also be triggered by: 

• The breakdown of a relationship 

• Family estrangement 

• Illness or disability 

• Losing a job or identity 

• Moving away from home or community 

• Traumatic birth experiences 

• The end of a stage of life 

Each of these experiences can feel like a loss, and that sense of loss can be real and profound. 

Living grief  

One of the less discussed but increasingly recognised types of grief is living grief, the pain of losing someone who is still alive. 

This might be: 

• A relative with a chronic or life-limiting illness or disability 

• A parent cut off from their adult child 

• A relationship broken by trauma or addiction 

• A friendship that quietly faded 

• A child whose diagnosis alters a parent’s imagined future 

There’s a unique sorrow in these situations and the loss can feel ambiguous, often ongoing, and rarely acknowledged by others. This kind of grief can be especially isolating because it lacks the rituals and social support that follow a death. 

When the word “grief” is used in everyday conversations 

In recent years, more people are using the language of grief to describe significant emotional events. For example: 

• “I grieved the birth I imagined but didn’t have.” 

• “I wasn’t prepared for the grief I felt when I stopped working there.” 

• “Finishing maternity leave felt like a kind of grief.” 

These expressions can help people name complex feelings, offering comfort and solidarity in moments of transition or disappointment. For some, it validates what might otherwise be dismissed or downplayed. 

For people grieving a death, especially a recent or traumatic one, hearing the word “grief” used to describe non-death experiences can be jarring or painful. It can feel like their experience is being diminished. 

It’s important to acknowledge that: 

• Grief is not a competition, but feelings around it are valid and complex. 

• People can hold space for different kinds of grief while still recognising the profound impact of bereavement due to death. 

• Language evolves, and it can both help and hurt depending on the context and audience. 

How to navigate sensitive conversations 

If you’re using the word “grief” to describe your experience, consider: 

• The setting: Is it a support group for bereavement? A conversation with a friend who has recently lost a loved one? Context matters. 

• Your intention: Are you using the word to connect or to express something you have felt deeply or could it unintentionally diminish someone else’s loss? 

• Alternatives: Terms like “sense of loss,” “mourning a version of life,” or “emotional pain” might offer clarity without triggering others. 

If you’re bereaved and struggling with the wider use of “grief,” know that: 

• Your grief matters.  

• It’s okay to feel protective of your own experience and even frustrated or angry. 

• You can set boundaries around conversations or gently express how you feel. 

If you are supporting somebody who says they are grieving: 

• Take time to listen to them 

• Offer practical support  

• Find out if they need further support 

• Consider their unique experience 

Grief is not one thing. It isn’t linear, it doesn’t follow rules, and it doesn’t only apply to death. At the same time, the death of a loved one is one of the most profound forms of grief. There is room for all kinds of grief and the many feelings it brings but sensitivity, empathy, and awareness are essential.