Supporting children and young people after someone dies
Children and teenagers grieve just as adults do, but they may show it differently. Their understanding and reactions will change over time, and as they grow older.
Talking to children and young people
Sometimes people think that children and young people may not know what is going on when someone is ill, dying, or has just died. Despite what many people think, very young children will pick up on things going round them, and be affected by the emotions of those caring for them.
It can be frightening not to know what’s going on, and children will also sometimes assume they are to blame in some way. It’s better to be clear and open wherever possible, using age-appropriate language.
When someone is ill and may die
If someone is very ill, dying or might die, tell the child or young person what is happening in clear language. Answer any questions as honestly as possible. Don’t make false promises, and be honest if you don’t know the answer.
Sometimes they may not react at all or appear not to listen. Don’t force it. Be prepared to try again at another time, and be ready for questions to pop up when you are not expecting it.
If they want to talk at a time when it’s difficult to do so, explain that to them, and remember to come back to it later. You could set a time with them. This can help the child feel safe and nurtured.
When someone has died
The first thing to remember is that children will always be affected by grief if it’s happening around them, whether that’s grief for a celebrity or because of other illness or bereavement in the family. Their understanding will change depending on age, but the following advice may help if you need to talk to a child about someone dying, whether or not it’s someone they knew.
It’s important to start by telling them what has happened as clearly as possible. Let them talk and ask questions. Ask what they know – they may be getting information which is incorrect or distorted from friends or social media. With a younger child you may need to give information in small chunks. It’s really important to remember that talking about the situation and about the possibility of death and dying is an ongoing conversation.
When telling a young child that a close relative has died try to adapt your language to their age and understanding, but don’t say things that might be misunderstood. It’s important to avoid using metaphors like, ‘They’ve gone to sleep’ or, ‘Gone to live with Grandpa’, while many adults do say these things they can be very confusing for a young child to understand.
If you are very distressed yourself and aren’t ready to answer all their questions, it might help to find a friend or family member to who can spend some time with them and talk them through it.
When a child starts to understand death naturally they may start to worry about others around them dying. Don’t give false promises, but let them know they are loved and supported and that whatever happens someone will be there to look after them.
It’s also important not to expect too much of them. Older children are sometimes expected to ‘step up’ and be a support to a parent or to younger siblings. Sometimes well-meaning friends and relatives say things like ‘you’re the man of the house now’ even to quite young children. You may need to all pull together as a family, but remember their age and abilities. They are still children.
Children will pick up on your feelings so it’s better to be honest about how you are feeling where it’s appropriate. If you try to hide how you feel, a child might also feel like they aren’t able to talk and might suppress their feelings, which isn’t healthy.
After telling a child about a bereavement, such as the Queen’s it’s important to give them time to talk about it, but they will also need time to play and take part in normal activities. Children can’t sustain emotional pain in the way that adults can and tend to move in and out of grief quite quickly. Don’t worry or be shocked if your child doesn’t look like they’ve been affected by the death of a close relative. It’s part of a child’s grieving process.
Older children and teenagers might need time with their own friends. Again carrying on with normal activities doesn’t mean they don’t care, it will take time for them to process their grief in their own way.
When it comes to attending funerals, our advice is to be led by the child or young person. Funerals and memorials can be a way for children to help process their feelings and understand the finality of what’s happened. They can also be a time for sharing memories and children can be part of that, if they want to. For more information about children attending funerals, click here.
Children often find creative ways of expressing grief helpful. You could encourage them to write their feelings down in a poem, diary or in a letter to the relative who’s died. Or some might prefer to paint, draw or build a model to express their feelings and show how much the person who’s died meant to them.
Creating a memory box can also be a lovely way to remember all the happy times they spent with the person who’s died. You can put in it anything that reminds you of the person, as well as pictures, letters and stories. This also works when it is someone they have never met, like the Queen.
Helping a child after some time has passed
Children and teenager’s understanding of death will change, and the way they grieve may change too. As their understanding increases over the years, they may grieve the loss several times, as the loss will mean something different for them as life progresses.
Milestones and anniversaries may be difficult as they understand once more that someone is missing.
What might help:
- Talking and listening.
- Reading age-appropriate picture books or stories – these can also be a starting point for a conversation about what’s happened or their feelings.
- Sharing memories of the person who died and looking at pictures together.
- Using creative tools to help them express and remember: memory boxes, scrapbooks, drawing.
- Make sure school and others who care for the child or young person know what has happened.
If you’re grieving too
If you are grieving yourself it’s OK to let a child or teenager see that you are sad, or to cry in front of them or with them.
Try and make some time for you to grieve apart from them too. If you are finding their grief difficult to cope with alongside your own, if possible find someone else who they can talk to, and who can try and answer any questions they have.