Richard’s Story: A Mother’s Day Tribute

Richard shares his story and a heartfelt tribute to his mum, Maryann, a loving mum, nana and a true force of nature. With support from Cruse and the kindness of those who support its work, whether by volunteering or donating, Richard has found comfort in cherishing the precious memories of his mum.

When Richard talks about his mum, Maryann, he reflects with pride and affection on everything she achieved in her life. She was fun, talented and always eager to try something new. Knowledgeable and endlessly curious, she embraced life wholeheartedly.

While raising six children, she was also an exceptional musician, first learning the piano and later mastering the violin. Despite her many talents, Richard remembers her first and foremost as a devoted mother who always put her children first. She had a sharp wit and a wonderfully dry sense of humour. She was, in every sense, a major influence in his life.

Music was woven into who she was, and it remains one of Richard’s strongest connections to her. He still keeps a playlist of songs that remind him of his mum, from Puccini to Frank Sinatra. Through her example, she taught him resilience, how to keep going and face life’s challenges with strength and determination. To him, she was elegant, inspiring and simply everything and more.

Like many families today, Richard and his mum lived far apart. Originally from New Zealand, Richard had relocated to England, while his mum remained in Wellington. Because of the distance between them, every visit they shared was deeply valued.

A Special Time Together

Maryann’s death came as a shock. A few months before she passed away, Richard travelled from England to New Zealand to spend time with her.

That visit was made even more special because Richard’s daughter, Grace, had travelled from the UK to New Zealand, arriving in June 2022. spending precious time with her grandmother. In August 2023, when Richard joined them, the three shared laughter, music, and meaningful conversations. He feels deeply grateful that Grace was able to spend that time with her Nana and create memories she will always cherish.

“When I left at the end of the month, she seemed OK,” Richard recalls. “But she deteriorated through September and October, and she passed away at the beginning of November. I’m so thankful I had that time with her; it was just her and me. I could never get that back.”

After she died, Richard travelled back to New Zealand for the funeral. The journey felt completely different from his previous visit. The last time, he had boarded the plane excited to see his mum when he landed. This time, he was alone with his thoughts for hours. Questions filled his mind. What would the funeral be like? Who would be there? Should I have gone back earlier? Should I have called her more? Many of these questions were later explored during his sessions with Cruse.

“I hadn’t taken on board the enormity of losing her”

After the funeral, Richard felt a strong urge to return to the UK quickly and get back to work. By the end of November, he had thrown himself back into his routine. Colleagues greeted him with kindness, “How are you?” and “I’m so sorry to hear that”, and he responded politely. But inside, he had shut down.

“I just thought I needed to concentrate on my work and deliver, that’s what my mum would have expected me to do.”

Looking back, he recognises that he was in denial. He hadn’t fully taken on board the enormity of losing her. Over Christmas and into January, emotions slowly began to build. Then, at the end of February, on his birthday, the grief truly hit him.

“It hit me like a rock. Every year, we would speak on my birthday. She would say, ‘How old are you now?’ and I’d reply, ‘You should know that,’ in a loving, funny way. But I couldn’t do that this year.”

In that moment, the reality sank in. He couldn’t call her. He couldn’t tell her about work, about his daughter or about how he was feeling. The loss felt overwhelming.

Reaching Out

A few weeks later, while staying with a friend in North Wales, Richard found the strength to open up.

“I’m struggling with the loss of my mum,” he admitted. “I’m finding it difficult to concentrate, but I don’t know who to speak to.”

He had begun distancing himself from family and wasn’t sure where to turn. His friend suggested the national bereavement charity Cruse. When Richard returned home to Sussex at the end of April, he decided to call the Cruse Helpline. He spoke to an empathetic volunteer who explained Cruse could offer one-to-one support, but there was a waiting list due to demand. Working in the NHS, Richard understood how difficult it is to provide vital, free services to everyone who needs them and said he was willing to wait.

The volunteer also recommended books on grief, which Richard ordered straight away. Reading it struck a chord. The real-life stories of partners, parents, grandparents and children helped him realise he was not alone.

“I started thinking, I’m not the only one. Thousands of people, every day, every year, are losing someone close.”

Even before his sessions began, the book helped him start processing his thoughts and made him feel less isolated.

Understanding Grief

Through his sessions with Cruse, Richard was able to explore his feelings in more depth. The volunteer he met with was, in his words, “brilliant”, a patient and attentive listener who created a safe space for him to talk openly. After each session, he gained a greater understanding of what he was experiencing.

“I realised that grief is far deeper than just crying or feeling upset.”

He came to understand that denial, shock and delayed emotion had all been part of his grieving process.

Giving Back

After completing his sessions, Richard felt lighter and much stronger in himself. He realised that although he could not change what had happened, he could choose how to move forward.

“I understood it was up to me to live a good life, the life my mum would have wanted for me. To carry her values with me and use her as my inspiration.”

In her memory, he made a donation to Cruse as a lasting tribute to his mum, who meant so much to him and his family.

When asked what he would say to others this Mother’s Day, Richard reflects:

“Grief touches everyone. At some point, we will all experience loss. It’s important that Cruse is there to support people now and in the future. Cruse needs funding to continue their work. Whether through donating or fundraising, we can all help ensure their support is there for those who need it. When I joined the ‘Understanding Your Bereavement’ session offered by Cruse, I saw how many people are trying to cope with the complexities of grief. The support Cruse gives truly makes a difference.”

In loving memory of Maryann

(September 1934 – November 2023)