Chigs’ Story

My Dad died when I was 12 years old. It was a normal Sunday breakfast and then suddenly he dropped down in front of me. He had a heart attack and died before the ambulance arrived. My uncle, Dad’s brother, had only died by suicide a few months before. This had really impacted my Dad, he was devasted at losing his brother, and now we’d lost him too.

Grief doesn’t disappear if you ignore it

I didn’t talk about my grief for a long time. Whatever I was feeling I bottled it up and pushed it down so I didn’t have to deal with it. If anyone tried to talk to me about my Dad, I’d change the subject or walk away. I just didn’t know how to process this huge loss or talk about it.

But grief doesn’t disappear just because you try to ignore it. Even though I wasn’t talking about it, it was still bubbling away inside me. There were probably times in my life where I drank too much or pushed myself too hard without rest- I just needed a distraction from the grief inside me which I wasn’t able to let out.

It was over 20 years after my Dad died that I finally spoke about my grief. I’d been through a break up and the next day I went into work. I got up early as usual, headed into the office and had been really productive that morning. A colleague noticed that I didn’t quite seem myself and asked if I was ok. I just burst out crying. They took me aside and asked what was wrong but I didn’t know, I just kept crying. I left the office and drove back home but on the way I called my sister. I was still crying, and she asked me what was wrong. I finally said, “I miss Dad”. This was the first time I’d ever said those words, although I’d felt them every day for over 20 years.

Accessing support

This was a real turning point for me. I accessed counselling support through work and then went on to meet with a therapist. We unpacked years of built up emotions. It was really hard but I started feeling better. I was able to start talking about my Dad again, sharing memories with people and reconnecting. Whenever I have my Mum’s lamb curry it takes me back to Sundays spent with my Dad and his friends; they’d go play squash and then they’d take us to play snooker before everyone headed back to our house where Mum had made a lamb curry.

There are still days when it’s hard and I get emotional but I don’t hide from it anymore. After I did the Great British Bake Off, I was speaking at a food festival and someone asked me about why I worked with Cruse. Whilst speaking about my Dad, I started crying- in front of hundreds of people. A few years ago that would have been the worst thing I could do but now I know it isn’t. After the talk, a woman came up to me with her son and told me that his Dad had died recently, he must have been a similar age to what I was when Dad died. They both thanked me for talking openly about my Dad and my grief- it’s moments like that which are so important.

I would encourage everyone to talk

After I finished Bake Off, I knew I wanted to do something with the new platform and followers that I had. It was important to me to be a part of a charity that I fully relate to, and I am proud to have been a Cruse Ambassador for the last three years. I want to do what I can to get the message out there that there is light at the end of the tunnel.

Now, I would encourage everyone to talk. Talk about how you’re feeling and don’t bottle it up inside. Not talking about things doesn’t make them go away, it can actually make it worse.

I hiked Kilimanjaro a few years ago for Cruse, and it was an incredible experience. Not only did I meet amazing people and felt like I was making a difference, it was the closest that I felt to my Dad in years. I am so excited to be hiking Everest Base Camp to raise vital funds for Cruse.