Clare’s story
In 2021, Clare's daughter died in a road traffic incident. After receiving support from Cruse, Clare shares her story with us.
On 17th October 2021, I was woken up by a knock at my door at 5am. It was the police. Initially I thought it was about my son who was on a night out, but then I realised it was my daughter, Paige. They told me Paige had died in a road crash, she was just 22. She was a passenger and her ex partner was driving recklessly through the Liverpool tunnel.
After I got the news, the next step was I needed to think how I was going to get my son and tell him what had happened, which was horrendous. I called him and as soon I said “you need to come home”, he knew straight away.
Your life is changed forever
From the moment you receive the news, life changes forever. You go from a normal life to totally different people. It’s always been us three- Paige, her brother and me. We had a strong relationship and were all really close. It wasn’t just losing a child, Paige was my best friend.
I still think now “how did this happen?” There’s all these little things, just ordinary things that you think you won’t remember but they’re the main things I remember. I always have this one vision of her coming home from work, I know exactly what she was wearing, how her hair was. She always loved this jacket potato with tuna and halloumi. So I made it for her and I was just sitting opposite her and chatting about the day.
I have this so vividly in my head. It’s like time hasn’t passed and it’s going slowly but then it feels like ages since I have seen her.
You want to fix it
One of the hardest things that people don’t think about is when you have to deal with your own grief and watch your child grieve as well. My son and Paige were very close, so he found it extremely difficult, and still does.
For me, as a parent, I just told him I’m happy to do whatever he needs to do to make himself feel ok. He is my main priority and I just want him to be ok. As a parent, particularly a mother, you always want to fix everything for your children. But something like this, you can’t fix it.
It’s a future they don’t get
Her friends still say “I can’t believe this happened to Paige”. She was well known and well liked; everyone loved her smile because she was beautiful. A lot of girls have messaged me since and said how much they looked up to her, how kind she was. She was so full of life and had these massive plans.
I think of Paige when it comes to anything new. When I see some clothes and think ‘Paige would look great in that’. Some of her friends have had babies or are pregnant, and I think how delighted she would be. But then also you get upset, as it’s a future that they don’t get and you’re watching other people’s lives more forward.
Get as much support as you can
With grief, you just don’t know what to expect from one day to the next. It comes in waves. Sometimes you can be plodding along and then all of a sudden a sucker punch comes it hits you right in the chest.
You’ve got to take minute by minute, and try as get as much support as you can. I first spoke with Cruse around 5 months after it happened. I found it useful just talking to someone, as not everyone around me wanted to talk.
People don’t know how to approach you, and it’s not in a horrible way. I’ve been avoided when people have seen me. I didn’t feel bitter about it, I knew it was because they felt uncomfortable coming up to me.
I am not ever going to stop talking about Paige
Paige’s friends have also been a massive support, especially her closest friends. They come round a lot. We have a memory garden at my house. It has a bench, a little garden with flowers and a love lock fence.
Every year at the end of July we have ‘Paige’s Day’, where we do something all together to raise money for RoadPeace, a charity for road crash victims who have been a massive support to me. We’ve done an afternoon tea, inflatable 5K and massive raffles, and we’ve raised thousands of pounds.
Grief is so individual. We all have our own tools to help us manage, and one of mine is I do a lot of charity work for RoadPeace. It gives me something to focus on, gets us all together and means something good comes out of this. Also, I want Paige to know that I am not ever going to stop talking about her.