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Gaslighting and grief: the impact we can have on ourselves

Gaslighting is a term we’ve become more aware of over the past few years but we might not realise that we can do it to ourselves.

November 3, 2025

What is gaslighting? 

The term ‘gaslighting’ comes from ‘Gas Light’, a 1938 stage play in which a husband attempts to drive his wife crazy by dimming the lights in their home (which were powered by gas) and then denying the light has changed when his wife points it out.

Gaslighting is a form of manipulation that causes you to question your own reality. It is often talked about in the context of abusive relationships. 

But we can also gaslight ourselves- belittling or devaluing our experiences and emotions, sometimes without even realising it.  

What could self-gaslighting sound like when we’re grieving? 

Self-gaslighting happens when we minimise or dismiss our own feelings. It’s that quiet, internal voice that says: 

“you should be over this by now” 

“I’m being too sensitive and dramatic” 

“other people have it far worse, I shouldn’t be this upset” 

“I should be stronger” 

“It was my fault. I should have done more” 

“I don’t have a right to grieve” 

We might think these thoughts are attempts to cope with grief, to stay strong or keep perspective. Instead, they can tell us that our emotions are too much, our experiences don’t matter, and our grief isn’t valid enough to be felt. 

Recognise and Reframe 

When you notice self-gaslighting creeping in, try gently challenging those thoughts. For example:

Instead of “I should be over this by now” try “It’s okay that this still hurts. Grief doesn’t have a timeline or expiry date” 

Instead of “Other people have it worse” try “My pain is real, and it deserves space too.” 

Instead of “I’m being too emotional” try “My emotions matter” 

Instead of “I don’t have a right to grieve” try “Everyone’s grief is valid, including my own” 

Instead of “I should have done more” try “I did my best” 

Self-compassion

When you’re grieving, self-compassion is important. Show yourself the same kindness and support that you would to a good friend. If you need help with this, there are plenty of resources available online, such as Self-Compassion by Kristin Neff

Remember:

  • There is no ‘right’ way to grieve 
  • Your feelings are valid 
  • You don’t have to justify your grief 
  • You deserve space to feel, remember, and heal, exactly as you are.