Jane’s Story

My husband, Seb, died of a heart attack in January 2023 when he was just 46 years old. It was a complete shock.

He was away working and on arriving at the accommodation he sent me a video of the place he was staying which is something we always did when we were away from each other.  I messaged him again at bedtime to say goodnight, and having not heard back assumed he’d fallen asleep after the long drive.  I was on a train to London for work very early the next morning and after still not hearing back from him once I arrived in the office I felt an uneasy sense of panic.  I just knew something wasn’t right.  After getting in touch with his best friend who also hadn’t heard from him, I contacted the host of where he was staying who said they would go and check on him and I jumped back on a train home.  Then nothing. It took hours before I got a knock on the door from the police informing me that he’d been found dead.

The practical support was really appreciated

Seb and I had just moved from London to Wiltshire, so I didn’t have a local network. I had one close friend, thankfully, who lived in the same town but the rest of my friends and family were all a few hours away.

Despite this distance, in the first year I barely had a moment alone which I was really grateful for. Friends and family visited every week and were always checking up on me. In the early days after Seb died, it was the practical support I really appreciated. I couldn’t think clearly or make decisions – it felt like my body had just shut down. So having someone doing practical things like coming round with food, cleaning the house, taking my dog out for the day or sorting out the many flowers that arrived really helped.

Talking to Cruse was like an anchor

Whilst the practical and emotional support from friends and family was appreciated, I also really needed someone who had a clearer understanding of the impact of grief to talk to so I could process and understand. A friend recommended that I speak to Cruse.

The lady I spoke to really helped me through the early months.  One element that resonated was talking about the Dual Process Theory – that feeling of bouncing between ‘loss-oriented’ elements of bereavement such as grief, denial, letting go and ‘restoration-oriented’ elements of bereavement such as relationship shifts and doing new things, all while trying to deal with everyday life.  No wonder I was exhausted!

One of those everyday things was the ‘sadmin’ – there is so much admin related to someone dying. Seb didn’t have family in the UK as he was French, so it was on me to manage the funeral and contact countless companies. I was also supporting his daughter who had lost her Dad at 23. But at the same time, my body was just shutting down, I didn’t feel the need to eat or drink water.

Being able to talk through all of that with someone who understood made me feel more ‘normal’ – it was like an anchor. The conversations with Cruse, really helped me start to process.

She could see us through our grief

Last year, I decided to train as a celebrant after we worked with a celebrant on Seb’s funeral.  She was so incredible and a key part of the healing process. She really got to know and understand us – and through the grief could see we were usually really fun positive people.  This meant she did an amazing job of bringing Seb’s personality across at the funeral and that will be something I will always remember.

I wanted to be able to give back to my local community and help them in the way that they helped me. So I’m now a funeral celebrant, I did my first funeral at the end of last  year. I think about me this time last year, I was still a “basket case”, and this year I feel like I have been able to turn my life around in a way I never thought I’d be doing. That’s how I’ve managed my grief – made a terrible situation into something positive.

Our experiences are so different

I don’t think you can assume that if you lost someone it’s the same as someone else has felt. A good friend of mine, who I met through this experience, her husband had a long-term illness and died after several years of being sick. Even though our husbands were the same age and we’re both widows, our experiences are so different.

If someone is grieving, you have to meet with them where they’re at. I dealt with Seb’s death through a bit of dark humour, so I felt comfortable with people being like that with me. That’s how I handled it. Other people wouldn’t be the same. So I would encourage people to be compassionate and understanding, and listen.