Men in Grief

Men can grieve too

At Cruse, we are trying to encourage more men to feel like they have the permission to grieve and get support when they need it. Grief doesn’t discriminate. For many men, however, hiding grief feels expected; outdated ideas of masculinity, tradition and culture can affect how we express ourselves and how much we hold back.

We all hear very unhelpful phrases, like “pull yourself together”, “man up” or “just get over it”. Many men feel like showing strength is the most important thing. This ’brave-face’ approach can be really damaging, as well as being unfair and short-term.

People who come to Cruse and are supported explain what a difference it makes. Men and women who turn to Cruse feel the benefit of a non-judgmental, safe space to explore what they are feeling and not bottle it up. The passage of time can help grief but for many, addressing experiences, acknowledging what is going on and actively working out how to feel better can be hugely helpful. We want more men to recognise that saying is better than silence.  

So? what are we doing about it?

We are focused on trying to work out what will encourage men to talk about their grief, rather than hide it. Men have equally positive experiences of support when they access it, they are just far more reluctant to get in touch with us. We are going on the offensive – more visibility in more spaces. By going to more places where men spend time, tackling head-on some of the prejudices and thinking about how we describe the point of support and how to access it, we are convinced that more men can be empowered to give it a go.

We are listening to men. This comes in many forms, from interviews to group discussions, surveys to literature reviews.  We’ve tried hard to understand what it is that will help men accept that support can be for them.  The key messages men tell us are that they value confidentiality and want to understand what sort of support they can receive. This has started to influence how we market our service.

Thanks to some funding from the National Lottery Community Fund, we have taken to the airwaves. A regular programme on Black Country Radio has opened up topics about men and grief, including how the women in your life can help. We have also been able to run an ad campaign on an LGBT+ radio channel called Gaydio. When talking about half the population, we know that men comes in all shapes and sizes, with a very diverse set of attitudes and priorities. Our adapted messages are all intended to remind men that our slogan “You are not alone” covers everyone.

What can grief do to men?

Bereavement is one of the most disruptive, alienating, challenging and emotionally extreme things we can go through. It is quite natural to feel angry, guilty, withdrawn or like you need to block things out. Men are more likely to pick up a bottle, pick a fight or pick to leave than admit they are hurting. These responses aren’t signs of weakness. They’re signs of trying to survive. However, it doesn’t need to be like this. By letting out some of what you are feeling, finding those hard words, you can feel better and more like your self again.

Getting support from a trained, patient and knowledgeable outsider can help. We’ve all had that difficult experience of starting to confide in a mate, only to realise they are uncomfortable, or in a different head space. Speaking with a Cruse volunteer doesn’t involve trying to make them laugh or trying to impress them. It is a space for you- you can be yourself and explain what’s going on with you. If you spend your energy trying to be there for others, it is fair that you have an opportunity too. By trying to share, you may come to realise that being a bit vulnerable is a sign of strength and really rewarding.

You can also get some help working out what your ongoing relationship can be with the person who died. You might want to discuss how you can honour someone you have lost, how you can manage anniversaries and what life might look like in the future.

If you’re carrying a quiet weight, know this: you’re not alone. You don’t have to hide your pain to be strong. You don’t have to have it all figured out. Grief may change you, but it doesn’t break you — not when you give it space to breathe.

If you see someone from Cruse at an event like a car show or a fete, if you see a poster, ad or sign, try it. And if you have a personal experience to share about what you learned through grieving, share it. Either with Cruse or with a mate.