Pet loss and grief

This time last year I lost both of my dogs in quick succession. Within three weeks I went from a life that revolved around my two beautiful sighthounds to an intense grieving experience that I know will be familiar to lots of people. 

My whippet Jess was an anxious girl who left her worries behind as soon as her paws hit the sand at the beach. We were her third owners and her first experience of living in a home. She came to us with a lot of baggage but a lot of love to give, too. Sadly, after five years with us she had a stroke which was followed by cognitive decline. Her symptoms, similar to dementia in humans, became harder to manage and eventually we decided to end her suffering. She died at home, her head in my husband’s lap, exactly how she would have wanted. 

Little did we know that just weeks later we would be making the decision to euthanise our two year old Italian greyhound, Otto, after a long and rapidly worsening struggle with what our vets identified as a likely brain injury. I had time to prepare but was still surprised at the extent of the losses and their impact on my life. 

I had relatively few experiences with death as a child or a young adult but that all changed in my late twenties when a string of heavy losses delivered a stark introduction to the world of grief. I lost a lot of people who are important to me and have learned to live with the pain in the spaces they leave behind. But I’ve found grieving a pet to be a very different experience. 

Our pets are dependents, confidants and beloved family members who are often with us 24 hours a day, seven days a week for many years. They are so much a part of our day-to-day life that their loss follows us from room to room in our house, much in the same way that they used to when they were alive. Add to that that when they die we mourn them alone and you have a recipe for a very painful experience of grief. Our friends and family might have loved them too, but no one knew them like we did. The loss of a pet can be a lonely and isolating experience and it is no surprise to me that 89% of us find losing a dog as painful as losing a close family member. Sometimes it can even bring up or compound other losses in our lives. All of this is normal. 

One of the things I’ve struggled with the most is the weight of the decision to euthanise Jess and Otto. 91% of UK dog deaths involve euthanasia and, when the alternative is often a slow and painful death involving multi-organ failure, it’s an important part of the role we play as pet guardians. When I talk about this on my Instagram page I find that lots of us struggle to get the timing right. We often live with guilt and regret if our pet doesn’t have the gentle death we were hoping for. 

All of this combines to make pet loss a complex and challenging grief. More than half of us are still experiencing intense grief over a year after our pets die. I’ve learned from my community that it’s very normal to struggle in this way. 

Things that have helped me since my dogs died 

Sharing my feelings with people who will understand 

Pet grief can be lonely but it’s something that lots of us are living with. Finding people and sharing my feelings has helped me to feel connected. In the past year I’ve leant on friends, family, counsellors and online communities and have been met with respect and compassion.

Leaning into the grief

Losing people I love has taught me that the best way is to lean into the grief. I’ve learned to talk when I need to talk and cry when I need to cry. Exercise helps me to process my feelings and I have a favourite running playlist called Running, Laughing, Crying which I know will help me let out big emotions.

Adopting rituals 

Humans have engaged in rituals around death and grieving since the beginning of time for good reason. They help us to process our loss. I’ve found that engaging with these in my own time has helped me to feel like I’m moving forward whilst still centering the sadness and the memories. I’ve scattered their ashes, donated their clothes and collars and placed a plaque for them on a clifftop that I can return to.

Keeping their memories alive 

My dogs are still my background on my phone. I wear hoodies with their faces on, have their likenesses on my keyrings and talk about them often on social media and in social situations. I like feeling that they’re still close and important, occupying a meaningful space in my life and my brain.  

Supporting a local charity  

Often people will suggest that you rush out and get another pet. For some people that might be the right thing but for my husband and I it wasn’t. We knew we weren’t ready. Instead I’ve been volunteering as a dog walker for my local rescue, Stokenchurch Dog Rescue. It’s given me a sense of purpose and joy and helped me to keep making an impact on behalf of anxious rescue dogs, even long after Jess and Otto are gone.

Jess Bolton is a writer, content creator and the author of Worried Whippet: A Book of Bravery. As an Instagrammer she is known for her honesty as she faces her fears and steps outside her comfort zone. She is also an advocate for rescue dogs who uses her account, Worried Whippet, to open conversations about pet loss.

To find out more about Jess Bolton and her work, please visit her website: https://www.jessbolton.co.uk/