Josh’s Story

My mum and I were so similar. How we look, how we speak, we even have the same cackle for a laugh. When I think back, the fact she had me at such a young age, meant it was just me and her against the world for a time.  

She was my parent but she was also my best friend and were we just going through life figuring it out as it came, but we had each other and did everything together.  

Mum was unapologetically confident and outspoken, but she was also loving, empathetic and relentlessly supportive and proud of any achievement her children made, no matter the size. 

When Mum died, it was a massive shock. Everything happened very suddenly, and we had no time to prepare. This was the first death we’d experienced as a family, and because Mum was such a huge presence in our lives, it was a lot to deal with.  

I felt a responsibility to look after everything 

I am the oldest of four siblings and, although I was only 29 myself, I felt a responsibility to look after everything. I could have asked for help, but in the early days I took it upon myself to sort everything out- the funeral, the finances, what happens with the house, making sure my siblings and Dad were looked after.  

Part of this was feeling a sense of responsibility as the oldest sibling and wanting to care for my family, but I think it was also a mask. If I kept busy then I could avoid dealing with my grief at the time. I was looking for things to do otherwise I’d have to sit with all these feelings. But I learnt that blocking it out by keeping busy wasn’t going to help me, it was just pushing it down the road. 

Over time, I started to let my family in and they began to look after me too. I stopped masking and took the time to acknowledge and process everything I was feeling.  I am so grateful for my family and my partner for giving me the space and time I needed. We spoke about everything and we supported each other. I know I wouldn’t have been able to get through this period without them. 

Running became a huge part of how I process my grief.  

Another thing that massively helped me was running. I’d never really been a runner before but after Mum died I started going and it made such a difference. I learnt how important it was for me to look after myself physically whilst I was grieving.  

When you’re struggling, the main things people forget to do are eat properly, sleep properly and move their body. But those are also the things that help your body and mind recover. Even just walking outside helps. 

Running became a huge part of how I process my grief. When you’re running, you end up alone with your thoughts. I listen to music we both loved, and sometimes I feel amazing and connected to her. Other times I’m crying my eyes out while running through a field. I just let myself feel whatever comes.  

Everyone should have someone to talk to 

The amazing support I was surrounded by made me think about people who don’t have that. I kept thinking about what I would have done without my family and all of the people who don’t have someone in their circle they can talk to. Particularly as a man, where we often bottle what we’re feeling.  

Suicide is the biggest killer in men under 50, and I can see when you’re grieving you can understand how people end up in such dark places. You can have all these wild thoughts and if you don’t have someone to talk about it with then you’re going to think about them more and more. That’s why charities like Cruse Bereavement Support are so important.  

Supporting Cruse 

What I found really helpful about Cruse was that support exists in different forms. Sometimes you want to talk to someone, but sometimes you don’t. Even just reading one of their Instagram posts or website resources helped me feel understood on difficult days.  

I decided to fundraise for Cruse because I wanted to help other people who needed support and someone to talk to.  

As running was such an important part of my grief journey, it felt right to incorporate this into my fundraising challenge. I thought about doing a 10k or half marathon but my Mum was so bold and over the top, I decided that I needed to do something equally bold in her memory. So I’m doing an ultra marathon!  

It will be a massive challenge but I’m ready for it. Doing this for Mum and knowing that I will be raising money to help people who are struggling is a massive motivation. 

Everyone experiences grief differently 

One thing I wish more people understood is that grief is completely individual. Even within the same family, everyone experiences it differently. There isn’t a right way to grieve. 

Some days I feel completely overwhelmed by it. Other days I can celebrate my mum and feel grateful for the 30 years I had with her. 

What matters most is giving yourself the best chance to cope- talking to someone if you can, using resources if you need them, getting outside, moving your body, trying to sleep and eat properly. 

And if you don’t feel able to speak to friends or family, organisations like Cruse are there for a reason. 

Because grief doesn’t disappear if you ignore it. You have to talk about it somehow.