Different feelings after the death of a relative

• Distress

The death of a relative often means losing someone who loved us unconditionally. This can be very painful. 

• Anger and regret

If you had a difficult or estranged relationship with the person, you might feel a sense of longing for a connection that never was. It’s also normal to feel strong regrets for not spending enough time with them when they were alive.

• Confusion 

You may feel like you’ve lost a part of your family history or that your place in the world has been changed.

• Fear of death 

The death of an extended family member can bring home the inevitability of our own death, and perhaps make it seem nearer than it was before. 

• Shock

If you rarely saw the person who died, you may occasionally find yourself thinking they are still alive. It can then be very upsetting when you realise this isn’t true.

• Feeling your grief doesn’t matter

When someone dies, it is common for people to focus their support on the parents, partner or children. Extended family members can sometimes be left to feel their grief doesn’t matter. Professionals call this ‘disenfranchised grief’ and can be very upsetting. 

Supporting Yourself

• Allow room for your feelings

Whether you’re feeling shocked, sad, confused or nothing at all it’s important to allow space for your feelings. It’s totally okay to feel how you feel.

• Talk to someone

Talking to someone about your family member can be really helpful. Try talking to other relatives who knew the person – you might find they’re feeling the same way as you. You can also get in touch with us and we can help you make sense of how you’re feeling. Find out the ways we can support you.

• Find ways to remember them

It helps to find ways to remember your family member, and keep them as part of your life. This might mean holding an event in their honour, making a memory box or special album of pictures. This helps to maintain the bond you had with the person. You can find more suggestions on ways to remember someone here.

• Plan ahead on anniversaries 

Birthdays, anniversaries and religious festivals are difficult when someone dies. It helps to think in advance about how you are going to manage. Read our tips on coping with birthdays.

• Write about your feelings 

Journaling and letter writing are proven techniques for dealing with thoughts and feelings after a death. Learn more about keeping a grief journal.