Neurodiversity and Grief

The Neurodivergent Experience of Grief

Neurodivergence describes brains that learn, process, or behave in ways that differ from what society has long considered “typical.” Each person will have their own unique strengths, challenges, and ways of expressing themselves.

For someone who is diagnosed ‘late’ (often as an adult) or unaware of their neurodivergence, they may have learned to ‘mask’ – to hide or suppress their natural responses. During bereavement, when emotions run high and stress increases, this mask can become harder to maintain, which can feel exhausting.

Processing grief

Many neurodivergent people experience differences in executive function. These are the mental skills that help with organising, planning, regulating emotions, and processing information.

During grief, this can show up in a few ways:

• someone may fixate on specific details of what happened, or try to avoid thinking about it altogether.
• they may be preoccupied with details that others find unimportant or confusing
• information may take longer to process, or cause confusion, especially around how to respond or behave “appropriately”.
• Basic self-care may become harder to manage or feel overwhelming.
• physical contact may be uncomfortable, or on the flip side, someone might seek more physical reassurance than usual.
• heightened irritability or emotional dysregulation.

Grief often affects both the body and emotions but for some neurodivergent people, recognising and interpreting those ‘signals’ can be difficult.

Someone may not realise they are sad or anxious, but instead experience physical symptoms like sensory overload, tics, trembling, body aches, loss of appetite, or extreme fatigue. They may turn to self-soothing behaviours.  This can be known as ‘stimming’ such as rocking, fidgeting, picking, singing, repeating words or pacing.

Navigating social norms

Social expectations during grief, such as hugging, crying, or showing certain kinds of emotion, can be confusing or feel unnatural. People with a neurodivergence may not express sorrow in ways that others might see as conventional, which can lead to unfair judgment from others. They might not cry at a funeral, or may not want to be touched, and could be perceived as distant or “cold.” However, they may be grieving deeply, just differently.

Many describe the experience as feeling like there’s a social “rulebook” everyone else seems to have but they were never given a copy. This sense of confusion can make bereavement even more isolating.

Unique challenges in grief for neurodivergent people

• Sensory sensitivities: The overwhelming nature of funeral services, memorials, or even the quietness of a home after a loss can be distressing.
• Communication style: Expressing emotions verbally may be challenging. Grief might manifest through behaviours such as withdrawal, repetitive actions, or intense focus.
• Difficulty with change: The routines and structures that neurodivergent individuals rely on can be disrupted by bereavement, leading to increased anxiety.
• Emotional regulation: Processing complex emotions like sadness, anger, or confusion can be overwhelming, potentially leading to meltdowns or shutdowns if left unsupported.

How to support yourself as a neurodivergent person who is grieving

Grief can feel overwhelming, especially when you process the world in a different way.  There is no “right” way to grieve, and your way is valid. There are certain expectations about what to say and what to do, when at a funeral or talking with people who are grieving. If you struggle with knowing what to say or do, speak with someone you trust who is close to you, to check what might be expected.

1. Honour your own way of grieving
   You might not experience or show emotions the same way as others. That’s OK. Whether your grief is quiet, intense, delayed, or expressed through routine or creativity, allow yourself to grieve in your own time and style.
2. Set boundaries that work for you
   It’s OK to take breaks from social situations or avoid environments that feel too much. You might need more alone time or prefer to grieve through a familiar activity. Give yourself permission to protect your energy.
3. Use tools that help you understand and cope
   Visual schedules, journals or sensory aids can help you make sense of loss and feel safe. Do what helps you process, even if it looks different from what others are doing.
4. Keep routines where you can
   Routines can provide comfort and predictability when everything else feels uncertain.
5. Let people know what you need
   If you feel able to, share what helps you and what doesn’t so that others can meet your needs. The emotions of grief can be overwhelming for many people. Others grieving around you will probably not know what is helpful for you, unless you tell them.