Someone has just died: how to help
When you first hear that someone has been bereaved, you may want to help them. It’s common to worry about saying or doing the wrong thing. But reaching out can make a huge difference.
I’ve never forgotten the acts of kindness. They knew what was needed when I couldn’t even think.
Helping someone immediately after someone dies
When someone dies, the early days can seem like a blur. Those who are closely affected may be trying to cope with painful emotional and physical effects, or they may be feeling numb or overwhelmed.
Because everyone is different, what they need will be different too. The following may help.
- Reach out: Tell them how sorry you are to hear the news. Read more about what to say when someone dies
- Talk and listen: If you are close to them, let them talk about what has happened. People sometimes need to tell the story many times to process what’s happened.
- Share memories: Many people find that a personal story or memory of the person who died is really meaningful, whether it’s given in person, or written in a card, email or letter.
- Be with them: People sometimes need people around them at difficult times, although others may want to be on their own.
- Help organise: A daunting list of tasks and admin can come when someone dies. You could offer to help someone work through what needs to be done.
- Be flexible: Everyone grieves differently and what they need or want from you may change from day to day, or even from hour to hour. Be guided by them but try to keep in touch whenever possible.
Company is important, even if the bereaved person doesn't want to talk that's OK. Let them be, but potter around in their kitchen making tea for example or making up their bed nicely for them. Just hearing another person in the house in a calm way is comforting. They will be grateful for your presence.
They didn't come over, they respected that I wanted to be alone. However, they sent me little messages. There was no need to reply, and that was nice.
Offering practical help after someone dies
If you have the time and energy, there is a lot that you may be able to help with, in the days and weeks after someone dies. If you don’t feel you have skills to support in some areas, you could help by advising them who they could contact for further support.
Death-related admin
Death comes with a long to-do list. This includes registering the death, arranging a funeral, and notifying people and organisations. Even many months after there may be outstanding admin to complete.
A close friend or relative might appreciate help sorting out what needs doing. People often struggle to concentrate of take things in when they are grieving. Someone who can help explain things clearly and simply can be very helpful.
Find out about what needs doing after someone dies
Coping with life
Alongside the death admin people may be grateful for help with all the usual tasks of life – looking after children or other relatives, cooking, cleaning and maintaining a house. There may also be work or a job to cope with – not everyone gets as much time off as they need, and financial pressures can also build up after someone dies.
Be specific when you offer help
The best way to offer help is to be specific. Many people are overwhelmed, and either can’t think of what they need, or find the effort of reaching out to ask is too much.
One of my lovely friends would come round and do the gardening with me, it was such a nice time spent together and it felt overwhelming tackling it on my own so it ticked off a practical job too. Other friends and family walked my dogs.
Helping when you’re grieving yourself
Sometimes you will need to help others while grieving yourself. This can be really tough. Make sure you take breaks when doing difficult tasks like telling other people what has happened. It can also help to make a clear plan, so that you know what you need to do. When you’re grieving, it’s normal to find that it’s hard to think clearly.
If there are people around who can help, let them. Don’t feel you need to do it all yourself.
The biggest challenge was helping family members deal with the situation, whilst trying to deal with it myself.
I then had to flip a switch and make phone calls to various family members to tell them the news, where I had to be coherent and offer them support. I didn't know what or how to say the news myself and I also knew what it was like to be on the receiving end of that call.
What might make things worse?
People often worry about making things worse when someone is grieving. Because we’re all individuals, sometimes what can be fine for someone, can be hurtful to another person.
One person might not be able to think about anything but their own situation for some time, but others will want to be distracted, and need time to do normal or fun activities.
If you’re worried that you’re getting it wrong, ask. You can’t fix someone’s grief, but you can do your best to be alongside them as they deal with it in their own unique way.
Someone sent me a picture of where they were on holiday – I found that really difficult! Another friend tried to offload about something difficult she was dealing with and I found that impossible
I don’t think people always realise how utterly depleted your resilience is. For a while you have nothing to give and you can’t tolerate high emotional states in others.
My way of coping was to push on: to keep to previous plans and to laugh aloud when something funny happened. Some friends decided I wasn't ‘grieving properly’ and I was criticised. The ones who kept beside me are still friends.
What helps in the next weeks and months?
As time passes many people tell us that support from those around them starts to disappear. You can help them just by remembering that grief doesn’t go away. They are going to be feeling the effects for months and years to come.
Keep offering to talk and listen, and if you can, keep up any practical support as long as needed.
“I remember a month later people stopped asking how I was and I have never felt so alone.”
“I found it so difficult at the time that my world had flipped 180, it had completely changed yet everyone was still going about their everyday lives as usual.”
Find out more
Find out more about the effects of grief and what can help in our pages on Understanding grief